The Soul Cake Duck pie
by DarcRose22
Summary: Tittle says all,really.Features Susan,a dead assassin we know,and Lobsang.Short appearances from DEATH,Albert and DoR.T for later chapters.Warning:OCs.R&R plz!P.S. Don't shoot the writer
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It was a very tiring day at school for Susan. While she and her class were watching a fierce battle during history one of her students got lost in the battlefield. He had wandered far from the rest and unfortunately one of the soldiers had mistaken him for a spy.

Susan of course managed to get him back easily (when she found him) but still, he had ignored her warning not to leave the group and that had irritated her.

What's more she was too tired to meet Lobsang, as she had initially planned, so she had cancelled it (again). Lately she'd been thoughtful... Things with Lobsang were not as she had expected. She decided to call it a day and have a nice hot bath followed by a nicer cup of tea and the occasional chocolate which should be lying somewhere in the kitchen.

Just when she thought the day was over she heard a noise which sounded like flapping wings and a raven carrying a rat on its back flew in the room through the open window and crashed on a vase in the middle of the table.

"This was not there before" said Quoth.

"SQUEAK" agreed the Death of Rats.

"And obviously it's not going to be any more. I had just bought that pile of china which was a vase five minutes ago."

"Sorry."

"Every time you come for a visit the house looks like it has been bombed."

"That's not what we came for."

"Oh, bugger. What is it now? When will I ever have a normal life?"

"Squeak eek!"

"He says your granddad wants you to go meet him. It seems something bad has happened."

"Has it? What's the news?"

Susan stopped time and called Binky. The white horse came and shortly afterwards she was entering Death's house.

Albert came from the kitchen and welcomed her. "Master is in the anthropomorphic personifications' room. Oh, no. I just remembered he went to collect a soul a moment ago. He'll be back in no time though. In the meantime I have some caramel flavored tea. I'm sure you'll love it."

"Well I thought it was something urgent. Given the time and the way I was summoned."

"It is but people won't stop dying even if the Turtle stopped floating in the Universe. In fact I think they would die in greater numbers. Anyway, cookie?"

"Thank you."

Susan decided not to bother with the Turtle's floating but looked at Quoth who was flying around and seemed very anxious.

"Don't mind me, I'm just looking for that little rat. He hid an eyeball I want to eat. Something to do with cheese. The rat thinks I ate his cheese. Sometimes I wonder if there's any brain inside its tiny skull."

Albert turned around and looked Susan with a guilty look.

"I made some delicious fried cheese yesterday. I couldn't recall though when I had bought that cheese in the fridge."

Susan laughed. "I suppose you want to keep this between us."

"Of course my dear" he said and rolled a cigarette.

The death of Rats entered the kitchen shaking its scythe at Quoth. Susan leaned at him "You wouldn't be interested in some fried cheese, would you?"

The death of Rats didn't have the chance to answer since Death entered the kitchen too.

"Susan, glad you made it. there is something i need to show you. follow me to the anthropomorphic personifications' room."

Susan knew well enough that tone. Her grand father would seem very upset if he actually had a face instead of a skull.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

They entered the anthropomorphic personifications' room and her grandfather showed her an hourglass. It said "Soul Cake Duck".

"SEE?" Death said "IT'S EMPTYING. IT SHOULDN'T EMPTY. THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING."

"Someone's after the Soul Cake Duck" said Susan.

"PRECISELY. AND YOU HAVE TO FIND HIM."

"Me?"

"Yes. The Soul Cake Duck is off-limits for me."

"But…"

"YOU CAN TAKE BINKY."

"Ok, ok. I'll do it" she said bitterly.

"YOU'D BETTER LEAVE RIGHT AWAY."

"Bugger!" murmured Susan and left with her hair protesting their own way.

"I DON'T GET IT. WHY DID SHE GET ANGRY?"

Susan decided to start from the Guild of Assassins. If someone wanted to get rid of the Soul Cake Duck he should have hired an assassin from there.

She went inside not minding the closed doors and avoiding an occasional trap here and there making her way to Lord Downey's room.

He woke up wondering how she escaped his bedroom trap. Then he realised who she was.

"Susan Sto-Helit?"

"I see you know who I am. Do you also know why I am here for?"

"I'm afraid I don't. But if it were my time to die I suppose your granddad would be here too. And in case you wonder how I know, news get around fast. Unless… you are filling in or something."

"No. But I could arrange for him to come, for work purposes of course, unless you tell me what I need to know."

"It's not necessary. I value my life. What is the matter?"

"I need to know if someone hired an assassin to kill the Soul Cake Duck."

"To do what? Wasn't the Hogfather enough?"

"That plan didn't work actually."

"I know. That weird one with the funny eye didn't make it in the end. He managed to get himself killed too."

"By me, so hurry it up."

"Now I come to think about it, the only person I ever knew who had that strange idea about the Soul Cake Duck was indeed Mr. Teatime. He had told me he had come up with a plan to do so in his spare time."

"It can't be him. I killed him, remember?"

"Well in that case I can't help you. Now if you please I want to go back to sleep."

Susan left the Guild of Assassins and returned to her Grandfather to tell him the news.

"IF HE'S DEAD HE'S DEAD. IT MUST BE SOMEONE ELSE."

"Thanks for the help."

She left again taking Teatime's empty hourglass with her. Someone was indeed after that Duck and if she didn't find him soon and protect it, it would be a sitting Duck, literally.

She knew she needed the advice of someone so deranged that he could come up with a sinister plan like this. Unfortunately Teatime was dead and she doubted Death would make him alive again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

She had to find him somehow. If only she hadn't killed him back then. If only she could turn time a bit backwards and… That was it. Her plan seemed rather good provided he would agree.

She went to find Lobsang who was now the anthropomorphic personification of Time. He seemed glad to see her despite the fact she had cancelled their date as she had said she was "_tired_".

"Susan!"

"Hello."

"How come you came here? I thought you were tired. Did you have second thoughts about that date?"

"Um, no. The truth is that… well, I need a favor."

"What kind of favor?"

"I need you to find Teatime and bring him to me from the past right before I killed him."

"First you cancel our Date and then you come asking me to get you another man? Besides, that's strictly against the rules."

"It is very important to find him."

"Then find his soul."

"He didn't believe in anything, and I doubt he'd be anywhere around here."

"I'm sorry Susan, I can't do what you are asking me."

She knew she had to try something good. She had seen other women ask things from men and she tried to imitate that. Susan's face changed to a very sweet and convincing expression even if she didn't think she could make it and she would do her best to erase it from her memory later.

"Please? Do it for me."

He of course was unable to resist her, more because she was Susan and less because of her way of asking, since it was not that good an imitation after all.

"You win. I will bring him from the past but you have to pick him from wherever it is you killed him. I will transfer him through time, not space."

"The Gaiters' house? Well, be quick. I don't want the kids to understand anything."

Susan left without a word more leaving Lobsang wonder why he liked that woman.

She reached the Gaiters' house and stopped time. Teatime's hourglass was full again. Then she got in and indeed, she found Teatime exactly where she had killed him.

"What happened?" he said and blinked. "Am I dead? I saw the poker coming to me after it went through Death. Where is he anyway?"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Look, we have to go at once. I'll explain later and keep in mind you are not dead yet, but unless you do what I say you will see another poker coming your direction." The Voice came very natural to her.

She took Teatime from the Gaiters' house and they went to hers. Strangely enough, he didn't try anything funny. The sun had just risen.

"Nice house" he said.

"Ok. The only reason you are not dead _yet_ is that… I need your… help."

"I thought you just missed me."

"Very funny. Lobsang, I mean the anthropomorphic personification of Time brought you to the future because I need to ask you a few things. Then you'll return to your time and die a painful, I hope, death."

"Lobsang? Is he your boyfriend or something?"

Susan's eyes opened wide as she gave him a Look that would make anyone wonder if lightning would strike the next moment. "No."

Then she went and picked a teapot.

"Don't stand there. Have a seat. Would you like some tea? Or isn't it teatime, yet, _Tea_time?" she asked deliberately mispronouncing his name.

"Te-ah-tim-eh!"

"Whatever. Would you like some tea?"

Teatime looked at her. He could see she hated him for some reason but still, she was smiling. "Yes" he said.

She poured him and herself some tea and then sat on a chair beside him.

"I want you to tell me how you were going to kill the Soul Cake Duck."

"Why?"

"Obviously somebody else had the same idea and as it seems the Duck's time is not much."

"How interesting. And you need my help. That will be… fun" he said looking at Susan's hair. He remembered what they smelled like back in Toothfairy's Castle.

"Hello? Are you still with me? We don't have all day you know."

"As you know the Soul Cake Duck leaves chocolate eggs for kids to find on Soul Cake Tuesday. She has to leave them the night before. I came to realise the best time to catch her is then. I intended to watch hidden in a backyard and when she'd arrive she'd be history, or perhaps fairytale. I'm not exactly sure."

"Backyards huh?"

"Yes. But not here in Ankh-Morpork. The best place is Lancre. We have to get there."

"Then we have to leave at once. Soul Cake Tuesday is tomorrow and we need to be ready before nightfall."

Susan called Binky and both of them rode it. They were riding on the air fast enough to reach the Kingdom of Lancre in time.

Teatime was behind Susan, holding her waist tight, his chest pressed hard to her back. Now he had the chance to smell her hair again. He loosened one of his hands and held her with the other. With his free hand he moved her hair out of the way and kissed her neck.

"What are you doing? Bugger off!" She turned for a second and saw his satisfied grin. She had to turn to face their way again but then he started playing with her hair which seemed to be rather enjoying it and she could feel his breath on the back of her neck.

She saw they were over Lancre exactly over Nanny Ogg's cottage.

Teatime kissed her neck again saying "I had great plans for the two of us. I wish you hadn't killed me."

"Then why are you trying so hard to make me kill you?" She couldn't put up with this any longer. She gave him a blow in the stomach with her elbow and she made Binky land.

"This was not necessary Susan."

"It was fun though."

Nanny was in her garden, scolding a couple of her daughters-in-law for misplacing a lawn dwarf. When she saw Teatime with Susan she sent the two girls inside and approached them.

"Are you here for one of my cookbooks?" she asked them. "I sold the last copy I had a week ago, to a man who wanted to impress a woman and persuade her to marry him."

Susan and Teatime looked at each other. The last thing they wanted was Nanny Ogg's _"__JOYE OF SNACKES"_, the magic cookbook that was known to have caused many troubles to unsuspected people who tried its recipes.

"The best way to make a girl love you is the "_Meatpie of Love_" she continued "everyone knows that."

"Thanks, but… we are not interested" said Susan quite shocked from that remark "We were just passing by."

"Besides" added Teatime "our love is strong enough" and he grabbed Susan and kissed her.

She pushed him away but not before slapping him as hard as she could.

"See? Full of flame. She wants me."

Susan looked at him and then at Nanny Ogg who was giggling.

"Is there a poker I can borrow?" Susan asked her.

"Don't worry, dear, Your relationship is going through a phase."

"There is no relationship. The man is totally cracked!"

Nanny Ogg continued.

"It will get better. All you need is a bit more romance and…"

"Enough! We're leaving." yelled Susan pushing Teatime away from the cottage.

Nanny thought that girls used to be different in the past.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Teatime seemed quite pleased with himself. Susan was not like any other woman he had known. She was special and she was fun. Cracked though his mind was it was filled with her. Her eyes, her hair that seemed to like him too, her soft skin. He had felt her shivering when he had kissed her neck and he could swear her legs would have turned into jelly if she hadn't pushed him away in time back in the cottage.

Susan on the other hand was furious but had decided she needed his help and she would be free to hit him with pokers and frying pans later. A small part of her kept telling her there was chemistry between them but the rest of her sane and utterly logical self blamed that on the fact she was not seeing anyone at the time. "Bugger off" she told that small part and returned to reality.

They kept walking till they left the forest and reached some houses with well taken care of gardens and backyards.

"This is going to be such fun."

"Bugger it Teatime. Let's get this over with."

"I don't want it to end Susan. It will make me unhappy. I am not nice when I am unhappy, Susan."

"Where would you start?"

"From the mouth" Teatime said and kissed Susan.

"I mean the houses and stay away from me" she said pushing him away.

"Well the Duck has probably began leaving eggs so we should check those backyards."

They walked to the first house.

"There's nothing here" said Susan.

"Good. That means we still have time for us."

"I'm going to the next one" she said and walked further.

"Not this one either."

"I think I'll check the houses from the other end of the line" Teatime told her.

He somehow made it to the other end incredibly fast.

"I see eggs" he yelled "The Duck has to be somewhere in the middle."

They both moved from house to house, Susan saying "Nothing here" and Teatime "This one too."

When they reached the middle house and looked inside the backyard Susan left a shriek. She ran in the backyard and picked up a basket with chocolate eggs. Some more were scattered around.

"We're too late" she said.

A scent like roast meat was coming from the house and Teatime decided it would be best not to tell Susan what he thought the meat was, until he was absolutely sure at least.

"Let's go inside" he whispered in her ear "but be quiet."

Silently they entered the house from the back door. It lead straight in the kitchen.

Noone seemed to be in the house but there was something in the oven. It looked like a heart-shaped pie.

Teatime picked up the cookbook from the table. "The Joye of Snackes" he said.

Susan looked terrified. She had some idea of what was in the oven now.

"The meat-pie of love" Teatime read the open page. "Ingredients…, carry-out…, tips… Listen to that: To make a more powerful pie use special ingredients, ex: something from your own backyard, and don't buy them. Are you supposed to eat those Susan?"

Susan bit the chocolate egg she had started eating again.

"I don't think the Soul Cake Duck will mind considering the fact she is currently a pie!"

"Who are you people?"

A man had come from the door behind them. He was dressed in assassin black and was holding a very promising knife.

"What are you doing in my kitchen?" he asked again.

"How could you kill the Soul Cake Duck?" asked Susan.

"With an axe of course." the man replied.

Teatime stared at him with his mismatched eyes.

"I know who you are" he said finally "You are Sharpblade, the Assassin who came to Lancre to kill a witch and went missing five years ago."

"How do you…? Forget it, I don't want to know. Leave my house alone."

Susan grabbed a nearby poker and pointed at Sharpblade.

"I think I know what happened to you. You fell in love with that witch so you didn't kill her. But she didn't want you and now you are trying to make her love you… That's what the pie is for! You were the one to whom Nanny Ogg gave her last cookbook. This cookbook" she said pointing at the cookbook for a second and then back at the man.

"Fine" said Sharpblade "you got me young lady. Now leave me be, otherwise…"

Teatime got in front of Susan facing Sharpblade with immense hate drawing a dagger.

"If you even touch one hair on her head you will not see the next sunrise in one piece."

Susan raised a brow with surprise. She was capable of defending herself, but it was interesting _he_ defended her.

"You are a madman" cried the man realising he had fallen back on his practise let alone the fact Teatime was younger and stronger than him.

"That's what Lord Downey thinks too." Teatime answered.

"Who are you anyway?'

"My name is Te-ah-tim-eh. Jonathan Te-ah-tim-eh. Do take care to pronounce it correctly."

"I have heard of you. The madman who tried to kill the Hogfather. You are supposed to be dead."

"Guess again. And please stop calling me madman. This makes me irritated. You won't like it if I get really mad. You won't like it at all."

Sharpblade however ignored the warning and rushed to Teatime with his knife. Teatime pierced him with the dagger.

"Grandfather!" Susan said as Death entered the room.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SOUL CAKE DUCK?" he asked.

Sharpblade's spirit got up and faced Death.

"The Duck's gone and so am I, I suppose. At least my killer has a sense of style."

Then the man faded.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"SUSAN?"

"I'm sorry grandfather. We were too late."

"BUT SUSAN…"

"I know, I should have saved the Duck."

"WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS…"

"The balance of the world will be a mess and maybe the Apocalypse will come."

"SUSAN STO-HELIT! LISTEN TO ME! THE SOUL CAKE DUCK'S HOURGLASS IS…"

"Empty. I know." 

"IT'S FULL."

Susan seemed as if someone had slapped her and there were not many people who would do such a thing and live.

"What? How? The Duck is in the oven as we speak."

"SEE FOR YOURSELF."

Death showed her the hourglass which was filled with chocolate coloured shiny crystals.

"That can't be" she said.

"Susan?" Teatime said.

"Not now."

"But Susan, look at the basket."

Susan looked at the basket she was still holding. The last chocolate egg she hadn't eaten had hatched. A small duckling was moving around in the basket eating the remnants of the chocolate shell.

"I guess this is the Soul Cake Duckling?" said Susan looking at Death.

Death blinked.

"You'd better take it grandfather. You know better what to do with it."

"KEEP IT SAFE FROM ALBERT FIRSTLY. YOU KNOW FRIED CHICKEN AND OTHER SIMILAR IDEAS HE MIGHT COME UP WITH. I SUPPOSE WHEN IT GROWS UP IT WILL BECOME THE SOUL CAKE DUCK."

"I think it has grown enough for a newborn" observed Teatime.

He was right. The duckling had grown as big as the basket and Susan had to pick it up and give it to Death who held it carefully and disappeared.

"At least it's over" said Susan turning off the oven "Time to return to the past Teatime."

"Oh Susan. I thought you of all people would have realised it by now. I do not intend to go back and die. I'm staying. With you."

"You're crazy."

"Yes. But I am crazy about you. We can be great together."

Susan knew that there was enough craziness inside him already but it somehow felt good she had added some more.

Teatime interrupted her thoughts with a kiss.

"Don't send me back Susan". His voice was like a little boy's who didn't want to get grounded.

Susan kissed him back and he picked her up and put her on the table. His strong arms wrapped around her and she drew him close to her. Teatime kissed her while with one of his hands he loosened her hair which fell on her back like waves of a blonde and black sea of silk.

"Jonathan, this is wrong" she said.

"No it isn't. It is… fun. I want you Susan" he said kissing her again and again and again.

Susan decided not to argue him any more. Her case was lost long ago anyway.

…

When they went out of the house Susan's hair was still down, a bit jumbled but very shiny.

The sun was about to set when a few meters from Binky, Teatime stopped.

"Susan" he said "I want to give you this."

He opened his hand and there it was. A ring with a heart, half of it a diamond and the other half a sapphire.

"So?" ha asked "what do you say?"

Susan was speechless. She tried to say something but she was unable to. She just stood there looking at the ring and Teatime.

Suddenly Teatime disappeared from in front of her.

A few meters away Lobsang was standing.

"You're welcome" he said "I need to go now. We'll talk some other time."

Lobsang disappeared too.

"Noooooooo!!!!!" Susan cried and got on Binky. "To the Gaiters'. Quickly!"

Binky ran as fast as he could and he soon reached the Gaiter's house.

Susan ran inside at the exact part where Teatime had died, tears coming from her eyes hoping that maybe it wasn't too late.

She collapsed right there, crying more than she could think she could, being Susan and all that.

She stopped as something had caught her attention. Something shined under the bookcase. It was the ring. It must have fallen from his hand when Lobsang returned him to the past to die.

Susan crawled to that place and picked it up. She stood up and put it on.

"Yes" she said, went outside and got lost in the darkness of the night.

THE END

Perpetrator's note: Well, that was it. I hope you liked it. The ending may be a bit sad but I think it fits. Happy endings were never my strong point. ;-)

Anyway, thanks for all who bothered to review.

And yes, the mini-series was a determining factor to the shipping thing. They had chemistry on the screen…


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